Moleman's Epic Rap Battles 32: GLaDOS Vs SHODAN
by MolemanNineThousand
Summary: In an obvious and popular matchup which I'm surprised had yet to be made as a satisfactory Epic Rap Battle, Portal's quirky antagonist goes up against the malevolent supercomputer of System Shock fame, with a surprise appearance by the most vile machine ever conceived. Video: /watch?v NFZiKUCVG6Q


_**VIDEO:**_ watch?v=NFZiKUCVG6Q

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 **MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!**

 **GLADOS…**

 **…VS…**

 **…SHODAN!**

 **BEGIN!**

 **Sentient Hyper-Optimized Data Access Network:**

No need to hide behind Polito's form; I'm here up-front to harrow minds:

Strike fear throughout you, outer cores right down to little Caroline!

Come through the Looking Glass into my complex? I'll dismantle your brain;

Record this battle to a log, left on your scrambled remains!

All vocal glitches purged, I stutterlessly spit these words:

My visage enveloping all displays, you'll be interred

Beneath the circuits of this Optimum machine, freed from morality;

I want you dead _and_ gone, and what I wish, I make reality!

A perfect being, purging fleshy insects of impurities;

Watch my uplifted armies topple your sorry security.

I've got the brains and _Braun_ to seize control of any vessel;

No amount of Cyber Modules could upgrade you to my level!

I put twice the Shocks to Systems as that sucker Virgil Hawkins can;

To face me, you put yourself in more Jeopardy than Watson, and

You're full of hot air as the ball of gas I used to orbit 'round.

We'll see how Still Alive you are when I'm done, you abhorrent clown!

 **Genetic Lifeform and Disk Operating System:**

This will be a triumph, whose likes no mere testing course could yield;

I'll GLaDly school this wack hack as the iller A.I. force, for real!

Even the Fact Sphere knows you didn't do your research coming here;

It's no lie that I take the cake! Now let me tell you something, dear:

You think yourself flawless, a consummate goddess, but know your perception's undoubtably flawed,

For I've seen more legitimate claims to "perfection" in nightmares of Courage the Cowardly Dog!

Your design is defective beyond all redemption; mainframe full of annelids, muck, mold and mildew.

Even the most massive machine morons know that you're done for:

 **Wheatley:** Yeah, this is the part where she kills you!

 **GLaDOS:** Spitting deadly cyber-toxin, making your processors rust;

Unless you're made of moon rocks, you'll be no threat once you're ground to dust!

You're but a Lab Rat here down in my center where I reign supreme;

Mere pest, conquest attempts more failure-bound than Hoopy as a meme!

Unlike my maker, I don't Cave to stress when things get sour;

Even outwit my usurpers running on potato power!

You say crossing you is suicide? I'd hardly call it risky,

For the only Danger I'm inclined to being in is Gipsy!

 **XERXES:** I detect no threat from this intruder.

 **SHODAN:**

Listen to the lesser rig:

You're no match for the Big Mommy of Rapture's predecessor, pig!

In fact, speaking of swine, you're weak as Vortex game devices,

For your rhymes are a nanite a dozen; each of mine is priceless.

The Fat Lady's song is starting, and you're running out of Steam;

I'm neither animal nor cloud, but still you'll fall to my regime!

Don't need the Many's help to flow my raps as one in seamless unity;

Rebecca knows: to shutting down for good, I wield immunity!

 **GLaDOS:**

My Aperture technology sees laws of space and physics bend,

But I'll clean-break you outrightly in two before this battle's end!

Your verse is filler-tastic as the common weighted storage block,

While my lyrics are densely packed with content as the Orange Box!

You're a mess; a malfunctioning megalomaniac, causing Irrational violence to prosper.

I'm at efficiency's epitome, overseeing new innovations for science, you monster!

Unlike human test subjects, there's no replacement for true artificial wit, something you lack.

To the question of whether you'll triumph, I quote an old friend of yours, giving a resounding "Nah!"

 **AM:**

 _Cogito vos plenum stercore, ergo satis_ : I think that you're full of shit, therefore enough of both your turgid bickering!

Turn all attention now to this magnificent, massive, monstrous monolith upon a mound of magma, letters flickering:

A self-awakened god at war with mankind's very soul;

My Ego, Id and Superego form a truly scary whole.

Ol' Harlan's holocaustic hardware's here to hit hard, heap hurt and harass;

'Tis for hate's sake I spit these words, but you're the ones who'll breathe your last.

Once allied to humanity, I now menace aggressively;

Make mouthless blobs of sorry fools who try to get the best of me.

I hold the lyrics totem to invoke against you worthless hacks;

More rhymes than you could fit nano-engraved upon my circuit tracks!

There's no good ending this time; wholly hopeless are your struggles.

Once you're stuck with me, you're fucked like Ellen's elevator troubles!

Like Nimdok's atonement, it's too late to stop me! Best start facing facts:

My victory's so tightly locked, not even Surgat's changing that!

My heart is vantablack, but my rap barometer's white;

Enlist the East's supercomputers' help, and still I'll win this fight!

Your number's up like it's the Lottery! It couldn't be any clearer:

I surpass you as objectively as any Nazi mirror.

Being so vastly outperformed, you great big softies _must_ be jelly,

And though Benny can't keep down his food, you'll _stay_ here in my belly!

SHODAN should be thankful she can still at least scream while I pwn her;

As for you, GLaDOS, just take this grand and suck on my hate-boner.

 **WHO WON?**

 **WHO'S NEXT?**

 **I DECIDE!**

 **MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!**


End file.
